I am a deep thinker.  I over analyze everything trying to figure things out, find the purpose or prevent consequences.

Often times my emotional side wrestles fiercely with my logical side trying to determine, based on all material facts and possible scenarios, what the conclusion to a matter must be.  I pride myself on “common sense”.

Unfortunately, spiritual things have little to do with common sense.  In God’s world, it takes a virgin to have a baby and a boy to kill a giant.  The first shall be last and the last shall be first.  A true leader must be a great servant.  A man must be born again and to truly live, he must die unto self.

It can feel like a bit of an Alice in Wonderland sometimes.

When I first learned what codependency was, my world was rocked.  I thought I had things figured out and then realized that all of the things that I thought were my “personality” were really based on false beliefs and my life strategies were really coping mechanisms.

While I was hopeful that this new found knowledge could help me solve the mystery of my “stinking thinking”, it also terrified me to suddenly have no idea who I was, what was real and what was based on my perception and to know that I was in control of nothing.  For a person with trust issues, surrendering control (or the illusion of it) sounds a lot like giving up and I wasn’t ready to do that.

Fast forward a few years to when I realized that God wasn’t asking me to give things up, but just to hand them over.  He wasn’t out to get me, but He surely intended on remaking me.

I had come to many wrong conclusions based on my circumstances, limited understanding and acceptance of lies.  God’s truth had become so entangled with Satan’s lies, that I needed to be unraveled and start anew.

That sounds logical and simple until you realize that the things that might be taken away are the things that you hold most dear:  relationships, security, status, etc.

Oh how I wish God would just erase my false beliefs and insecurities and give me the strength and confidence I desire, but He chooses to “renew” our minds, not replace them.  This process takes my willingness and cooperation and there is nothing easy about it.

After many years of struggling with depression, suppressed anger, anxiety, insecurities and more, I’m finally realizing that I don’t have to fight so hard to become something I think I should be.  I just need to accept who I already am.

Our minds are like a prison and the acceptance of Jesus Christ unlocks the door, but we have to push it open and walk out.  I’ve spent a lifetime believing that there is something wrong with me, that I will never measure up and that I will never be free.  I wrote a poem about this when I was 16-years-old, maybe you can identify with it and see that this wound doesn’t just heal with time because it’s been 30 years and I’m still a work in progress.  Link to poem blog HERE.

God desperately wants me to know His love and grace and yet I have been the stumbling block in my own life because I choose to believe Satan’s deception more than God’s promises.  One is the father of lies and the other is Truth and all that is good.  I definitely know which One I want to believe and yet the battle is real.

However, recognizing the problem is the first step in recovery!  I’m fully aware that there is a problem, I have a desire to resolve it and I know that I can’t do it on my own.  But!  In Christ, I am neither alone, nor powerless! (Phil. 4:13, Matt. 28:20, Is. 41:10)

In his book, “The Search for Significance”, Robert McGee states,

Indeed, we’ve reached a true mark of maturity when we begin testing the deceitful thoughts of our minds against the Word of God.  We no longer have to live by our fleshly thoughts; we have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16).  Through His Spirit, we can challenge the indoctrinations and traditions that have long held us in guilt and condemnation.  We can then replace those deceptions with the powerful truths of the Scriptures.

If you’ve ever seen the movie “The Matrix”, my favorite line is when Morpheus says, “He’s beginning to believe”.  It literally gives me chills because I think my spirit is telling me that I already know who I am and possess all that I need; I just have to live like it!

Check out this movie clip and remember that it only takes faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains.  Read Ephesians 6:10-18 and count how many times God tells us we don’t have to run, but we can “stand” against the devil’s schemes.  Take God at His Word, He created you and your enemy, He knows who can and will win!