Suicidal Thoughts and Depression – Stop the Shame

Suicide is a hot topic right now.  The media is highlighting something that has been an issue for a long time, but it has an added appeal now because of celebrity status and adoration.  With social media, we now have a front row seat into the personal lives of others.

I have struggled with depression for most of my life.  I’m the product of divorce, from the time I was a baby.  I never really knew my biological father.

I was verbally, emotionally and sexually abused by my step-father.  My mother married him when I was only 3, so unfortunately he helped form my opinion of myself and the world around me.

I was cheated on by my best friend and husband, and went through 9 years of hell during his drug addiction. He recently relapsed, so this is an ongoing battle and fear in my life.

For as long as I can remember, I have felt like I don’t belong and tried to figure out what’s “wrong” with me.  I watched Oprah as a child and bought the books of her guests.  The first one I remember connecting with was author, John Bradshaw, who wrote about toxic shame in his book “Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child”.  I was only 12 at the time, so I didn’t read the whole book, but I remember crying and knowing that the topic applied to me.

I took Psychology in high school thinking I could diagnose myself and then solve the problem.  I also took Psychology and another course in college trying to gain insight, but the words of my step-father’s condemnation was always stronger than anything else.

Why is it that 100 people could tell me I’m smart, pretty, etc., but the one person who tells me otherwise is the one that was easiest to believe?

As a teenager, I developed a lot of anger.  I wasn’t allowed to express this without consequences, so I quietly turned it into hate for my step-father.  That hate grew to hating my life and myself.

The anger I felt towards him turned inward and I began to beat myself up, hold myself to unattainable standards and despise any perceived weakness in myself.  I tried to stop crying to keep my step-dad from “winning”.  I decided that not wanting anything would take away his power to hold things over my head and not allowing myself to dream would prevent failure.

I believed that the best defense against pain and disappointment was to not care.  I began to purposely de-sensitize myself, which lead to apathy, resentment and more depression.  I sometimes seemed cold and uncaring on the outside, but there were many feelings going on inside.  Mostly loneliness and unworthiness.

As I get older, I have become more of a perfectionist trying to do things “right” and prevent unwanted feelings and outcomes.  I analyze things to death, avoid risk, fear everything and expect the worst.  However, this isn’t what people see.

I have a lot of common sense, so people think I’m smart.  I have been searching for answers all my life, so people think I’m wise.  I use humor as a shield, so people think I’m funny.

Many years ago I was introduced to a ministry called Celebrate Recovery.  This is a Christ-centered recovery ministry for those with “hurts, habits and hang ups”.  Basically, people who struggle with addiction, love someone who does or have some other sort of painful issue they are trying to work through.

I was there because of my husband’s drug addiction and later discovered my own codependency issues. What I thought was my “personality”, turned out to be a “sickness” or sin.  I was actually relieved because I’m a fixer, so I thought I had discovered the problem and all I needed now was the answer.  I eventually chose to find a sponsor and work the 12 steps.

As part of my program, I was asked to memorize a Bible verse and was given several to choose from.  I picked the shortest one thinking it would make the task easier.  Little did I know that it would be one of my life verses.

When Christians are asked about their favorite Scripture, many choose John 3:16 or maybe Jeremiah 29:11, which says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”.

That verse doesn’t work for me.  When you experience a lot of pain in your life and learn to expect it, the thought of God having good plans for you seems more like a wish than a promise.  I couldn’t cling to what I didn’t believe.

I feel like God meets us where we are, so the verse that initially spoke to me was 2 Corinthians 1:9, “Indeed, we felt the sentence of death in our hearts. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.”

What this verse says to me is that though I may feel the sentence of death, whether that be from others who are against me, the struggle of trials, or the hopelessness that makes me want to die, there is a purpose in it.  The “why” is to bring me closer to God.

During my husband’s addiction, I constantly wondered “why”?  Why is this happening to us?  Why did God bring us together in the first place?  Why won’t He just take this away like I’ve asked him to?  I don’t do drugs and I’m someone who calculates risk, tries to do the right thing, is considerate of others, etc., so why me?  I don’t understand!

“But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves, but on God”.  My life experiences had taught me that I couldn’t depend on anyone but myself.   I had built walls of protection, but unfortunately trapped myself inside.  God had to break those down so I could get back to Him.

I’m not saying that he caused my husband’s addiction.  He has free will.  However, I am saying that it was allowed and used for good, which brings me to my second most utilized verse.  Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

He doesn’t say that all things ARE good, but that they work together FOR good.  Learning to believe this will take work, but if I claim to believe the Bible and that God loves me, then I have to trust Him even when I can’t see what He’s doing or understand where things are going.

I can stop beating myself up for feeling the sentence of death, because the apostle Paul felt it too.  King David talked about his downcast soul, so depression is something that was felt by the man after God’s own heart.  I can also stop feeling guilty for allowing my sadness to make me want to die because Moses and Elijah felt the same way.

The truth is that this life is hard, but we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.  He is molding us to use us in some way for such a time as this.  He encourages us through his Word and tells us to “fear not” 365 times throughout the Bible.

Isn’t it ironic that’s one reminder for each day of the year?

It’s not irony; it is providence, the protective care of God.

He sees your pain.  He knows your name.  You are NOT ALONE!

Please remember that many of us have been where you are and we are all on this journey together, despite what our enemy wants us to think.  If you’ve made it this far, it’s because you were meant to and God is calling out to you.  Ask Him for help and find hope in these transformational stories…

 

 

How to Find Hope When Your Dad Disappointed, Disappeared or Destroyed what He Should Have Protected

Yesterday I went to my first counseling session that was just for me.

I’ve previously gone to counseling for marriage issues, someone else’s addiction, my children’s emotional health and to try to get along with my step-father, but yesterday was for me.

I was pretty sure I knew what the counselor was going to say. He would address my codependency, my low self-worth, my fear and anxiety, my depression and control, etc., and it would boil down to advice about trusting God, learning to let go and knowing who I am in Christ. I already know I need to do all of these things, so I was prepared to own them and listen closely for the secret on how to put my knowledge into practice.

However, that’s not what happened at all.

The counselor was impressed with my ability to see all of these things and my intelligence to grasp the truth and even my strength to survive what I have, but his conversation started with asking me to describe my step-dad. He wanted to know what adjectives I would use and what I thought about him. He then wanted to know the same about my biological father and my husband. What did they have in common? How did they hurt me? What was my view of the most important men in a woman’s life?

I wanted to focus on me, but it seems that he wants to talk about my “daddy issues”. This was irritating and I had to process some things last night to accept the fact that I’m going to have to temporarily go backwards so I can permanently move forward. I’m starting my journey from one who survives to one who thrives and the 2 videos I “stumbled” upon this morning illustrated the path so beautifully, that I wanted to share them.

I don’t know if you remember Kelly Clarkson’s song “Because of You”, but that one really touched the brokenness I felt inside and how I felt ruined by another person’s actions. Today she blew me away again with this song:

You can hear the hope of an overcomer in Kelly’s song “Piece by Piece”, but you can still see the hurt, as well.

I identify with pain, but I also believe that I can move from victim to victor. My biological father abandoned me and my step-father abused me, but this next video tells you why I have hope because of my(and your) REAL Father:

 

Clinging to Hope When I Feel Betrayed

Once again I find myself in the confusion of heartbreak.  I have a whirlwind of emotions from anxiety to anger to sadness and back again. What do you do with all these feelings?

Who do you blame?

Me – for trusting again?  Or maybe for staying?

Him – for being selfish?  Or a sinner like me?

God – for allowing it to happen?

Today I wrote the poem below after reflecting on this paragraph from the May 31st devotion from “Utmost for His Highest”, which seemed to address these questions:

“Put trust in God first.  Our Lord never put His trust in any person.  Yet He was never  suspicious, never bitter, and never lost hope for anyone, because He put His trust in God first.  He trusted absolutely in what God’s grace could do for others.  If I put my trust in human beings first, the end result will be my despair and hopelessness toward everyone.  I will become bitter because I have insisted that people be what no person can ever be – absolutely perfect and right.  Never trust anything in yourself or in anyone else, except the grace of God.”

When I Feel Betrayed

They say that the loved ones,
While possibly not addicted
Are suffering from bondage;
From all that’s been afflicted.

Though I’m not the target,
With heavy thoughts, my head does nod,
Because I feel so betrayed,
But the sin is against God.

The pain He feels deeply,
Because He always knows the cost,
But His empathy endures
Through His mercy for the lost.

Praying to see God’s heart,
Before my hope, despair, does kill;
And may I never blame God
For the choice of man’s free will.

 

“And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:5

 

Degrees of Forgiveness?

I’m wondering if there are degrees of forgiveness or possibly just consequential aftermath. Recently, a loved one asked me if I thought hurt feelings and disappointment were signs of unforgiveness or just human reaction to a betrayal. I’m really not sure. I know that resentment is definitely a sign, but I don’t think that forgiveness can always completely wipe the slate clean, especially emotionally.

Let’s say an alcoholic father was abusive to his children, but they forgave him when they became adults. Does not wanting him to be alone with his grandchildren or sometimes dreading family gatherings mean that they haven’t really been forgiven?

I think we can understand their human depravity, recognize our own shortcomings and choose to let go of the resentments, but still have residual feelings. A dog doesn’t hold a grudge, but even it is wise enough to flinch after being beaten repeatedly.

I once heard that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you are letting someone off the hook, but that you are putting them on God’s hook. He is the judge, not us. We have to surrender our hatred, fear, condemnation and other things that keep us in bondage so that we improve our relationship with God, not necessarily the other person. Forgiveness is more about our obedience to God, not our interaction with people. Forgiveness is more of a decision than a feeling.

Generally, I like to wrap blogs up with a nice little bow of wisdom God has shared with me, but truthfully, this is something I struggle with, too. When my husband tells me that certain people want to get together with us and I crinkle my nose for a second, does that mean I haven’t really forgiven them? I don’t know…what do you think?